Flavors and Seasons: Rethinking "Vanilla sex"

When people hear the phrase “vanilla sex,” it’s often referring to “plain” or “boring.” But if you’ve ever thought about ice cream, you know vanilla isn’t plain at all – it’s the base of everything.Without vanilla, we wouldn’t have many of the flavors we love. It’s versatile, grounding, and essential. The same is true for sex. “Vanilla” sex can provide the foundation of intimacy, connection, and safety that allows couples to explore other experiences with curiosity and confidence. Rather than dismissing it as simple, we can reframe it as foundational, the flavor that supports every

other possibility.

Vanilla as the Base

Think of vanilla as a place where partners return to each other. It might be familiar, reliable, and comforting. In therapy, couples often discover that returning to “the basics” can be deeply meaningful: learning to slow down, prioritize connection, and stay present with one another. Just as ice cream makers often start with vanilla to build more complex flavors, couples can use these foundational experiences as the starting point for growth.

Flavors Beyond Vanilla

From there, every couple has the option to add flavors, toppings, or twists that fit them best.

Exploring sexual interests, fantasies, and new practices doesn’t mean abandoning vanilla – it

means expanding on it. Healthy sexual exploration often rests on the stability of knowing there’s a solid base to come back to.

Pumpkin Spice and Seasonal Flavors

Right now, we’re in fall – the season when the Pumpkin Spice Latte reigns as the unofficial

mascot for some. It’s the flavor of the moment, warm and cozy, and for many, a seasonal ritual. But here’s the thing: pumpkin spice wouldn’t taste nearly as good without its base notes of cinnamon, nutmeg, and – yes – vanilla. Seasonal flavors may come and go, just like different phases of a couple’s intimacy, but vanilla remains the steady ingredient that makes them possible.

Ice Cream Isn’t Just for Summer

We often associate ice cream with summer, but the truth is it’s something people enjoy all year long. Similarly, intimacy and sex aren’t just for certain “seasons” of a relationship. Whether you’re in the honeymoon phase, navigating busy parenting years, or rediscovering each other later in life, sex can be a nourishing and ongoing part of your connection.

Just like enjoying a scoop of ice cream on a cold fall evening – or sipping that pumpkin spice

latte – intimacy doesn’t have to be reserved for when things are “easy” or “perfect.” It’s

something you can savor, adapt, and make space for at any stage.

Your Takeaway

The next time you hear “vanilla sex,” remember: vanilla is the base that makes every other

flavor possible. Just as pumpkin spice defines fall but relies on vanilla to shine, intimacy rests on the steady foundation of connection and presence. And just as ice cream isn’t only for summer, sex and intimacy are not limited to one season of life--they can be a continual source of joy, connection, and discovery, whatever flavor you choose.

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Jolene Harrelson, MFTC specializes in working with individuals and couples looking to explore, enhance, and deepen their connection with their sexual selves and others. She draws on attachment frameworks as well as self-compassion and sex positivity in her approach. To learn more about Jolene, click here.