"No, I'm Not going to Couples Therapy with You.."

I will occasionally get a call from someone who feels quite hopeless that their partner will not engage in couples therapy, and subsequently, isn’t sure how to proceed. Some may view couples therapy as a place “to fix” the other, while others perceive it as a sign that the end is near. Let’s break down both of these misnomers and how to approach a partner who is squarely in one of these camps.

When one partner has been pushing for couples work, they may have asked for change in their partner for quite some time. This can sometimes take on the form of reminders, pleas, threats, and ultimately what their partner hears--“nagging.” These desperate pleas for change often focus on the shortcomings of the partner, rather than explaining what the unmet need is and understanding it. Often, when I see this couple in my office, one of the first goals I work on is to help the pursuing partner find a way to frame their desires, wants, and needs in a way that focuses more on their feelings. This takes the focus off of the withdrawing partner, and allows space to promote understanding and hopefully, a sense of intimacy. Framing this as an issue for both partners to work on together rather than one partner lacking the skills, determination, or care to attend to the other is a much effective way to gain the participation of the withdrawn, avoidant, or leaning out partner.

“Couples therapy is only for those people who REALLY need it—their marriage is over and they just need a judge and jury.” I sometimes run into this belief in my practice and I can understand why this myth persists. I will often ask the partner who believes this to explore how this line of thinking functions for them. Is it changing anything in their partnership? Is it helping them become aware of their own needs and their partner’s? Where does it come from? How does it serve them? Perhaps it keeps them safe? Vulnerability is scary stuff—especially in front of someone you know little about. Shining a light on why this belief persists for the ambivalent partner in a non-judgmental and curious way can greatly assist in bringing them in. I encourage partners who are struggling with an ambivalent partner to focus on curiosity rather than frustration and see where it leads.

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Dr. Emily A. Kerr is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, AASECT certified sex therapist, and owner of EK Counseling, LLC,a Denver therapy practice. With over fifteen years of experience treating individuals and couples, she brings her candor, humor, and motivation to each session. She specializes in body image struggles, sexuality and gender, relationship and couples, sex therapy, life transitions, general anxiety, and building self-esteem. If you are struggling to make change, or you just need extra support to create lasting lifestyle changes, please call to schedule an appointment.